Praise all of those that endure an eight-to-five, Monday through Friday work week. Hats off to you, I didn’t know how much of a pain in the ass that was until I had to do it. I formally announce that I will no longer trap, guilt, bribe, or beg you to dance, drink, and drown until 4 a.m. ever again if you work that schedule. You have my word.

HOWEVER, to those of you like this in the morning:

Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. 

This is what you’ll get in return.

ANYWAYS, I’m back. You’ll be hearing from me regularly again. Deal with it.

xoxo TheDailyLube.

Every time Christina Aguilera starts yodeling in a song.

“Will there be drinking?” …”No.”

Realizing you can’t remember where your wallet is.

When someone starts dancing in a cage meant for a stripper at the bar.

When they cancelled GCB.

Hearing an Adele song on the radio, again.

What I’d like to do to about 90% of people that hug me.

When a homo starts talking about another one that they don’t realize has a friend of a friend in the room .

When I see my best friend.

When I fix a persons electronic devices.

When a senior citizen calls in for Tech Support

When someone tells me they like the new Pitbull song

When the liquor store closed 5 minutes before I got there

Whenever I win an argument

My two week notice attitude

What I feel like doing when I trip

Sitting around on the couch immobile all day, not my favorite thing.

I did find some pretty awesome tracks though. In between NyQuil comas. Which is another post all in itself. Enjoy.

When Someone Me That I Look Fabulous

When Another Homosexual Tells Me About Their Overly Fabulous Life

When I Get A Message On Adam4Adam

Every Boy At The Bar That I’m Attracted To

When I Realize Someone Is Watching Me Eat

How I Dance When I’m Drunk

When Someone Says I Look Tired

When I See Someone Order A Baconator, Super Size

Why so many don’t is beyond me. I feel the need to defend by puffy life-giving friends and my lazy gray days.

I miss being a child and playing in the rain. Before I cared that my hairspray blasted coiff might end up looking like a dripping wet mop. The only concern then was how much longer you had left to play in it.  Rain reminds me of simple times. Before the clubs, “Oh, you’re wearing that?”, bills, “Top or Bottom?”, and broken hearts and shattered relationships.

Older now, with more responsiblity, rainy days allow you to give up the days commitments without regret. Just trade them in for carbs and mindless television.  It’s the interference I don’t mind, and the perfect excuse to take a big fat pink eraser to your to-do list. With every new droplet that falls, lounging on the couch, cuddled up with a fluffy fleece pillow, soft blanket, and a cup of green tea doesn’t feel so shameful anymore. Those awful puffy clouds, such a nuisance.

The  sound of water, running down shingles, slipping into gutters, clunking, dripping, rushing. The journey almost symbolic of life itself. So many routes to take, so many obstacles to avoid, never knowing where you’ll end up next. The droplets exploding on the pavement beckon your eyelids to peacefully meet each other, like a post argument embrace shared between lovers. Eyes close, drifting off into the best nap humanly possible. Damn those clouds again, bitches.

At work, some sinister joy lifts the corners of my lips upwards. Yes, it’s kind of bitchy but I enjoy it when I have to work and it rains. Then not only is my non-existent beach day spoiled by the buzz of artificial lighting and ringing phones, but yours too is ruined — by Mother Nature. Bam Bitch.

I don’t think it should pour everyday. Isn’t that why people jump of bridges in Seattle? No, I like my Sun too. I’m just saying, if it happens to rain today, take advantage — take a damn break. Relax and enjoy the eraser nature has given you. Or be a little bitch and complain about it all day, I don’t care. I hope it rains today, just to spite you.

xoxo, The Daily Lube.

What is it about humanity that makes people so, unpredictable?

It’s not that I don’t enjoy spontaneous situations, surprises, and overall randomness, but in a positive light. Lately, I’ve seen the best and the worst in people. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the damn right “What the hell just happened?”

I’ve always tried to see the good in people my whole life. I have always imagined that somewhere inside of someone, there was some situation buried in there that no one knew about. Some prolific, profound event where their hair illuminated from above like a corny scene from the hit show, Touched by an Angel. Then you realize that it was just a shoddy clamp light fastened to a dirty steel ladder in some fake cardboard rendition of a hospital room that someone switched on.

The only thing that’s truly concrete about life is that no matter what you do for someone, or how you do it, it’s always going to be overshadowed by one thing. You will always be number two to someone else, no matter what. That is human nature. Survive, put yourself first, “Please place the mask over your own mouth before assisting others.” It’s everywhere you look.

I’m not saying I’ve lost my faith in everyone, in humanity. It isn’t the fuzziest feeling when you find yourself in that “WTF?!?” situation. That situation in which you almost have to pinch yourself to really believe that you are awake, not in a coma. However, I guess I shouldn’t make a broad generalization and say that everyone is like that, but they are. You never know when something will change in a person, when there is a chance for someone to get ahead, when your lives are on the line and they are holding the eraser. All the sudden the plan you had in your head, you know the one about how circumstances would evolve, well those retreat with their tails between their legs. In a line. Single file. Dancing in your face. Probably doing the Macarena. Maybe doing the Dougie if they’re really talented circumstances.

Really that leaves us to chase our tails essentially. My next thought bubble was going to be about how we can only truly rely on ourselves, blah, blah, blah. We can really only invest all of our trust in us, because we know at the end of the day we aren’t going to shank ourselves. Knowingly at least. That brought me back to a previous phrase, “Place the mask over your mouth, before assisting others”.  That in itself would just have led you back to the point of this thought. Why am I, why are we unable to trust others. Because it’s the smartest route, and the most basic of instincts — work as a team, fight for yourself.

We all do it. I’m no better. We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, said things we shouldn’t have, but it’s our ability to forgive and forget that makes us truly unique. It’s also the ability to hold grudges that makes us a bunch of vapid queen bitches.

I should get out of the rabbit hole while I can.

xoxo The Daily Lube.

Dan Pearce writes:

I received the following email today in response to my post I’m Christian, Unless You’re Gay. I had decided a couple months ago that it was time to let the whole thing rest, but this response was so powerful, I couldn’t not share it with you all. It was from a woman who simply called herself, “One proud mom.”

Hello Mr. Pearce,

I am the Christian mother of a 15 year old teenage boy and about a month ago he came home from school with a copy of your article “I’m Christian, unless you’re gay”. The teacher gave his class a homework assignment to read it and write a 500 word essay about “what it meant to them”.

He came home and showed me your article and asked me what I thought about it. I read just the title and became furious at his teacher and at you (even though I know you had nothing to do with her handing out the assignment). Anyway, I confiscated it from him and told him he wasn’t to do anything with it till I had a chance to read it first.

And then I got madder and madder as I read it as I felt like it was a direct attack against our beliefs and our Christian religion and that it was promoting homosexuality, a practice that around here is a huge “sin”.

I gave my son an earful about homosexuality and God and told him that he could tell his teacher that he would not be participating and if she had a problem, she could come talk to me and then I threw the article in the trash. My son didn’t say anything just walked into his room and shut the door.

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